Apologies to all the versions of myself  

kilsy gil

Ángel de mi guarda mi dulce compañía 

No me desempares ni de noche ni de día 

Hasta que me pongas en paz y alegria 

Con todos los santos 

Jesus, Jose, y Maria 

Amen 

They say every FUNERAL starts with a prayer 

They say the DEATH of a person will cause you a great deal of pain .... 

I’ve heard that the loss of something can drive ANYONE insane 

I was told when you lose someone who has been kissed by their GUARDIAN ANGEL... , you will begin to Crack and Crumble under the fists of a higher power we can not see so therefore I shake as I speak 

I have lost many people before this piece of me is being dragged out my mouth and I will

probably lose another version of myself before this piece is over My guardian angel sometimes forgets I’m there ....

| As I crave her attention

As I starve for her sweet kisses |

And I cry for the release of devotion 

This is a eulogy to all the pieces I have written 

A testimony to all my ideas and the words I have never spoken 

This is one of those letters I write to myself 

As I lay awake in the dark in the early hours of the morning 

Not a suicide note

Not a goodbye either 

But an apology to my soul as it slips away from me as I stay up unable to focus 

Shaking from the cold that slivers out my heart that beats unsteadily with no beat to match no longer music to my ears 

I am sorry to the little girl who grew up thinking she didn’t deserve the world 

I apologize to that girl who believed she would not and could not amount to anything on this earth as she bleeds into the ground 

I am so so sooo sorry to the 13 year old version of myself that stopped breathing because she wanted the world to stop yet woke up to bright lights and a breath of disappointment and the fear of what comes after tomorrow

This is a eulogy to the little girl that has been laid to rest in my mind and in my heart she no longer lives but in the cemetery I call my memories 

This is a testimony to all the dreams and aspirations that will never see the light of day 

You will never understand why this eulogy exists while I breath 

Just because I exist does not mean I live 

I live a life where everyday just consists of getting through it 

I stopped looking forward to Friday’s because everyday is the same 

The sun may rise but my spirits do not 

I am living and breath at the age of 20 but that does not garuntee I will live to see 21 or 22 or 23 

I am sorry to the girl I used to be because she had to die for the woman I became 

This is a eulogy for all the versions of myself that had died a thousand times over 

This is an apology for all the little girls who have died and couldn’t see another day 

My guardian angel

My sweet companion 

Don’t leave me not in night not in day 

Until you place me in peace and happiness 

With all the saints 

The father the son and the Holy Spirit 

Amen

Kilsy Gil is currently a Junior majoring in Sociology with a double minor in Criminal Justice and Women's Studies. She is an active member of Phenomenal Voices, while also performing her poetry at other org. events. Her favorite color is yellow.