By Keyla Navarro
You immersed yourself in the angry vocals of men who experienced the struggle that you were destined for, but escaped from. Bobbing your head in sync with a different time period and in sync with those who came before you. I watched in admiration how sound communicated with your mind in a way that I would never do.
I knew that I was close to closure, and I just wanted to disconnect in a way that was connecting. Does that make sense?
We finally made our way to your room.
“Don’t give me those eyes,” you said.
The lock was on the door and the lights went out.
We spoke of the stars on your ceiling and the voice in your head; your companionship between you and your consciousness. With every word you said, the distance between us got shorter and shorter.
Your words flowed into my ear while your hand traced lines from my leg to my thigh up my shirt and down again.
And just like that, we got lost in temptation.
It was cruel that I did this to myself.
After this, we spoke. More.
“What if there weren’t any people like I am in the world? Listen,” and I paused. I realize that I had spent so many other moments like this. Sitting in front of you and defending myself. I was emotionally bored and I had felt this before.
I closed my eyes and felt the stinging of the winter wind but felt the summer sun on my eyelids. I imagined spring flowers blossoming and returning birds chirping. It wasn’t winter anymore because it was never winter in the first place. This past fall, even when the leaves decayed the summer stayed, just as your undying presence my in mind. Even when the snow reached my knees, in my heart the trees were still green and the summer breeze carried your scent to me.
With open eyes, I was back in your room and the sound of your laugh in my memory blurred with whatever you were saying now. I looked up at you and traced the curves of your lips with my eyes. I stared at you.
I didn’t understand what you wanted from me or why I felt like I was being scolded, but that’s how it always was with you.
I needed to escape from the same walls that trapped you.
You don’t walk me home anymore.
I walked the few steps home and ended up on my bed, inspired yet bored.
My phone vibrated and right on cue, it was him.
He’s different from you are. But to him, I’m like you. Distant and lost.
He didn’t move me like you did. He didn’t excite me like you did, but this was selfish of me to think and it would be selfish to tell him this.
It took me a while to realize that I treated him like you treated me, but I did realize it, at least.
Every word he said dragged and irritated every nerve in my body, but I was stuck and suffocated. With a few books open in my lap, I glanced at the pages. “Trouble is like the ocean. It covers two thirds of the world,” but that sounded like something you would say to me. I glanced at a different book: “A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be.” This is something I should say to you.
Everywhere I went and looked, there was something to be read that was open to interpretation. There was something to think about and something to wonder about and I just wanted to sit and do nothing. I wanted my mind to stop being so active and I wanted to have you just be with me. But did I want you, or something like he is?
I woke up the next morning in awe of how detached I felt from everyone.
My sense of individuality was so strong, I felt like I didn’t even want anything to do with you.
I knew I would not hear from you for a few days. Maybe a week.
But as unpredictable as you are, I heard from you a day later.
“I’d like to see you again, by the way. Soon.”
And soon it was. The next day you talked me to death to the point where your voice was monotonous and undesirable.
Funny how the way I fell for you, sitting on your bed listening to you speak, was the same way I realized that you weren’t what I thought.
And you told me the absolute truth of why I’ve been miserable for the last two years.
There’s a hole in both of us that neither of us can fill for each other.
I’d never mold myself to be like her and I know you’d never want me to.
I pitied you because no matter how strong you tried to explain you are, you are weak. You are weak for a woman that you taught how to destroy you. Your issues go beyond me and I was just a distraction, and for me to move on, I needed to accept the truth that although I was different, I wasn’t special.
I’ve loved myself for just a few years because it took me a while to see the intricacies of me. And today, I know I love myself because I won’t do this anymore. Although I will give just to give, I will not give to be used.
From the start, I couldn’t take something that belonged to someone else. And you say you tried to warn me and I heard it, I did.
I knew it was her but hope is strong when in verb form.
Because honestly, I do see now that fate put you in my world but attached to a timer. I’m sorry I dragged this out for more time that you were intended to stay, but I make mistakes too.
but today, I am happy to say