Vision 22/89

By Victoria Edwards

Everyday I see more of you in me
I see the parts of you that you lent to me
The parts of you that I remembered seeing so many times
The parts of you I will not physically see again
Unless I look within myself
I have found that wrinkle above your lips on my face
And I trace it with concealer
I feel guilty for doing so
Battling with the "stay young forever" mentality
and the knowledge that I am concealing you.

To get through the grief
I am concealing the relationship we once shared
The distance forced us to phone cards
To long distance calls
To cellphones
To Facetime
To hospital beds
To funeral homes
To the church
and then to conceal you once again.

Dirt never looked so dirty to me
It never smelled so raw to me
Like a seed you planted in the soil
You made generations grow
Like the tomatoes and cucumbers in the summers
on the side of Delfi
Like the Ontario air
You were the cleanest woman I have ever met
Your life reflected cleanliness
Next to godliness
I see the parts of you in me
That I often questioned you about
It was so hard for me to make my bed
But now the blanket should be placed in order
You showered me as a baby
You showered me as a child
You showered me as a woman
and I can never repay you. 

The angels sit around the table
Like Christmas morning
Waiting for you to finish cooking
And you are not done
As angelic as they may be, 
They should not touch the pot.

I knew what your relation was to me
I knew what my relation was to your daughter
But I never thought about how our relations could change
How the frequent phone calls would change my recent calls
And the 905 would be 516 more frequently
How my trips to grocery stores look more and more like the carts
We used to pack
And how early I find myself getting up in the morning
Just to sit at the table in my apartment
Waiting for the sun to rise. 

Everyday I see more of you in me
I see that I cannot say the sentence that describes
The meaning behind all these words
Everyday when I put on my glasses
I see your glasses on my dresser
I see the vision you had
I see the vision you had of me
I see you within in myself and I know you saw it too. 

Sleep in Peace, MVP.